If Only

It’s stuck inside of me, the me I wish to be.

It can’t find it’s way out for the fear standing at the door

The fear has no name, I have no idea why it’s there or what it is

I just know it exists.

Sometimes my chest hurts with words bursting to escape

They need to be heard…want to be heard but they are stuck

Trapped underneath…insecurity, self-conscious

How I wish I could find a voice. My voice

Half my life is gone and still I sit

Wanting and wishing to BE – the me that’s stuck

Muddy in the Middle.

Stuck in a cloak of invisibility

I am not noticed

I am not heard.

I have little impact

Fine for a person who doesn’t want to speak, or be heard or have impact.

Not fine for me.

I sit on my if only’s…

If only I had money…

If only I were thin…

If only I were attractive…

If only I were brave, or courageous or self-confident

If only I were ignorant.

If only I didn’t want to experience the world.

If only I didn’t care

If only I didn’t have compassion, for what good is compassion if it’s idle.

If only…


copyright 
cindy hosea 
2011